It's been 3 years since my last post and I wish I could tell you all and especially myself that I am in a much better place mentally but it's not the case. I met him at a bar at the age of nineteen, it was the 26th of July. I guess he found me attractive, he approached me first. We talked a bit about ourselves, I quickly found myself being intrigued by him. I didn't think much of that night, I just enjoyed going out with my friends and have fun. We came back to my friend's house and his friend gave me the guy's snapchat, of course I added him. I think he accepted my request the same night. We started to talk a bit and months passed by and we would talk everyday. I liked the way he saw things in life, I liked the way he likes his culture, he brought me closer to mine and my religion. The more time has passed, the more I found myself liking this boy. The only problem was that I knew that the fact that we both come from different cultures wouldn't allow being together, not in a serious way. This is the reason of why I left, of why I ended things. It hurt a lot but I knew I had no other option. Some time had passed by and my friend and her boyfriend went to a house party, it was casual. I drank a lot and I started being really sad and reflecting about my decision about that guy, I wanted to see how he was. I took my friend's phone and texted him. She saw that and told her boyfriend. Then we went outside to talk about it. Few days later, I discovered that the guy blocked me on Instagram, I got mad and called my friend telling her that I thought that her boyfriend said something to the guy that made him mad. 7 months has passed by and I still think about him, I miss him very much but I know that despite how things ended, I did the right thing. We couldn't be together, not in the way that I wanted to. If we were a couple, nobody would take that relationship seriously, they would only see me as someone temporary.
i'm falling every classes at college and it is fucking painful because i try so hard but yet i'm falling everything in my life, school, relationships and my god damn self. Why is life so hard, why do i have to live with this feeling of failure. I don't want to kill myself but it is so painful to fail everything, to be alone in this world.
The way you look at me, the way you hold my hands, the way you touch each part of my skin, the way you make my anxiety go away, the way you say my name, the way you can make my day so much better, the way you kiss my lips like they were the most precious thing ever, the way you hold me in your arms like nothing is ever going to hurt me, you make me feel like i'm the most beautiful women inside and out, but yet you're with someone else, and i can't control myself to want you all to myself but i'm gonna sit back and watch you be the happiest man. I'm gonna wait for you.
September is the start of autumn and I'm so happy about it. I love the fact that it's not cold like winter and everything is so perfect! The fashion is so much better, colors are prettier, the nature is prettier, everything is prettier! I like to stay cozy at home while I'm reading a book or watching one of my favorite tv show and drinking some tea and eating a snack. I love walking outside and smelling this fresh air of fall. I'm so in love with this season.
We're currently the august 28,2016 and tomorrow, school start. I feel so stressed about it because it's been long time that I haven't seen a lot of people in the same place. I think I have social anxiety so that doesn't really help. I'm so stressed about seeing my friends again and seeing my crush, I don't even know if I still like him but whatever, I hope it's gonna be a good day.